I think I now know why some people choose to have only one child...it's the guilt. It's not the sleepless nights and napless days, it's not the endless laundry, poop and spit-up, it's not the crying with no explanation or sleepless nights (oh, I mentioned that already...well it's worth mentioning again!). It's not even the fact that it is now 11 and I have written a paragraph and a half and Sloan has woken up 3 times already (since 8), and once it was for a full hour of wanting more boob! It is however the guilt I would have to assume. It's no secret that Matt and I want a big family, but I have second guessed that a few times lately when the guilt creeps in. The guilt I have that Sloan won't have my undivided attention. I even feel guilty for thinking about having more babes in the future when looking at her at times. I feel like she is looking back at me saying 'am I not enough'. I feel guilty for wanting to take away the fact that she is the only, and sole focus, that she will have to share our attention, and then I feel guilty for future babes that won't get to have that only-child time - they will never get to have that time when they are the only's. I feel like no matter how well Sloan gets along with her siblings, she will always resent me for taking away that time that we shared, just us. But then I remind myself that this time can't be taken away, and also that I had a little brother and loved it (most of the time). I always hear people say that you don't have to divvy up the love you have for your child when another one joins the family, rather that the love just multiplies...so I guess I'll just have to hope for that...and for the guilt to go away!
Sloan got a set of fake boobs recently!
Okay, not real-fake boobs! But fake-boob bottles! And she loves them! I don't really like the idea of leaving Sloan for any amount of time that would require her eating without me (see above re. guilt!), but it is nice to get out for more than just bread and milk at the grocery store! Nana is keen to babysit, but Sloan wasn't so keen to take a bottle. It seemed like the majority of the bottles we tried didn't allow Sloan to latch properly and the milk (that I had spent precious alone time pumping!) was just dribbling down her tiny little chin! And then came the Adiri Natural Nurser...Sloan's fake boobs! It feels like a boob and is smooshy like a boob so she is able to latch onto it...yep...like a boob! Matt has been able to feed her a couple times with the new boob, but we have only left her once with Nana and the boob, but it was for a delicious dinner at Tramonto with fabulous friends and I only called once to check in on the Noodle! It's nice to know that we now can go out to see a movie or something without having to worry about our daughter starving to death! Only problem is...since finding the miracle boobs I have heard that Adiri has closed up shop! So now, I am going to have to be like Elaine in Seinfeld with the sponges and buy a case of fake-boobs!
A picture of Sloan's fake-boobs:
I'm off to bed now...wish me luck that Sloan stays asleep for a while!