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I think I now know why some people choose to have only one child...it's the guilt. It's not the sleepless nights and napless days, it's not the endless laundry, poop and spit-up, it's not the crying with no explanation or sleepless nights (oh, I mentioned that already...well it's worth mentioning again!). It's not even the fact that it is now 11 and I have written a paragraph and a half and Sloan has woken up 3 times already (since 8), and once it was for a full hour of wanting more boob! It is however the guilt I would have to assume. It's no secret that Matt and I want a big family, but I have second guessed that a few times lately when the guilt creeps in. The guilt I have that Sloan won't have my undivided attention. I even feel guilty for thinking about having more babes in the future when looking at her at times. I feel like she is looking back at me saying 'am I not enough'. I feel guilty for wanting to take away the fact that she is the only, and sole focus, that she will have to share our attention, and then I feel guilty for future babes that won't get to have that only-child time - they will never get to have that time when they are the only's. I feel like no matter how well Sloan gets along with her siblings, she will always resent me for taking away that time that we shared, just us. But then I remind myself that this time can't be taken away, and also that I had a little brother and loved it (most of the time). I always hear people say that you don't have to divvy up the love you have for your child when another one joins the family, rather that the love just multiplies...so I guess I'll just have to hope for that...and for the guilt to go away!
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Sloan got a set of fake boobs recently!
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Okay, not real-fake boobs! But fake-boob bottles! And she loves them! I don't really like the idea of leaving Sloan for any amount of time that would require her eating without me (see above re. guilt!), but it is nice to get out for more than just bread and milk at the grocery store! Nana is keen to babysit, but Sloan wasn't so keen to take a bottle. It seemed like the majority of the bottles we tried didn't allow Sloan to latch properly and the milk (that I had spent precious alone time pumping!) was just dribbling down her tiny little chin! And then came the Adiri Natural Nurser...Sloan's fake boobs! It feels like a boob and is smooshy like a boob so she is able to latch onto it...yep...like a boob! Matt has been able to feed her a couple times with the new boob, but we have only left her once with Nana and the boob, but it was for a delicious dinner at Tramonto with fabulous friends and I only called once to check in on the Noodle! It's nice to know that we now can go out to see a movie or something without having to worry about our daughter starving to death! Only problem is...since finding the miracle boobs I have heard that Adiri has closed up shop! So now, I am going to have to be like Elaine in Seinfeld with the sponges and buy a case of fake-boobs!
A picture of Sloan's fake-boobs:
I'm off to bed now...wish me luck that Sloan stays asleep for a while!
xo JBM
they closed up shop?!? aw crap. i guess there goes that idea for our baby # 2.
ReplyDeleteThe guilt can be overwhelming but try to stick with the thoughts that no one can ever take these special days, weeks, months away. They will be your golden first hours of parenthood forever. And think about how sweet and special and memory making it will be to share a new baby with Sloan. She will enjoy being your helper as she gets older, and this will still be nice for the two of you because as a toddler she will know that Mummy needs her, trusts her and enjoys tasks with her!
And while only children may get their parents undivided attention more than families with more children, they never get to experience the relationship and attention of a sibling. So, either way your family is set out, big or small, there is a whole lot of good stuff to look forward to through the years and many many good memories to be made in those sunny, summer evenings.
True, I just need to keep reminding myself of all the fun stuff to come! :)
ReplyDeleteYou can still get the bottles on Amazon and Ebay, if I get more do you want me to get a few extra for you?
I feel like my comment won't be taken seriously here because I'm not a mum, but your blog posting made me cry because I can understand that feeling so well. I think it's also a fear that mothers-yet-to-be have as well.
ReplyDeleteJust think back - did you ever really feel upset that your parents had David? (even when he was begging to play with us in the new room!? hehe)
Children adapt better than adults; they learn and they soak up change.
You are an amazing mother, Joelene. There's no doubt in that. Your heart is in the right place and you have so much love inside you that there is NO chance that any of your children, now or the future, would be neglected in any way.
I've known you too long and these are the things I appreciate and love about you as well.
I can only offer a hug to you so that you sleep well and get that guilt off your shoulders!
xo
PS - I love that you called the bottles "Sloan's Fake Boobs"
But I fed Sloan with the fake boob while I was there and it is pretty cool. Much better than Heidi Montag's. Trust.
I loved this post too and also welled up reading it :) I was an only child until I was 8 years old and while I know my parents were on the fence more many years about having a second baby, they did and were overjoyed. I remember always wanting a little sister like the other girls on the street I used to play with (I ended up with a brother however which I do recall being slightly disppointed about haha) but I was really happy to have another sibling to play with. It was an adjustment of course as I had so much attention for years and it was challenging when my mom couldn't come to my class trips and PTA meetings anyways since David was so small. But I have only good memories and know that Sloan will too.
ReplyDeletePS The fake boobs are gold.